Is Equinox Trying To Scare Away Potential Customers?

The fitness/health phenomenon has proliferated modern American society. Long gone are the days of taking Dr. Atkins’ word and not doing shit other than “no carbs”. Long gone are the days of hitting up Planet Fitness with the sole goal of getting free pizza once a week. No, health-consciousnesses has hit a whole ‘nother level over the past few years. Don’t get us wrong, it’s vital for society to become healthier mammals as humans progress further into an unknown world. In fact, we previously highlighted how obesity has now become not just an American epidemic, but also a global epidemic.

But shit has gotten super real over the past few years. Normal, suped-up gyms with all the amenities aren’t enough anymore. The health-du-jour of privileged America are boutique fitness clubs. From Soul Cycle, to Barry’s Boot Camp, fitness start-ups have proven that people are willing to dish out absurd amounts of money just to exercise at this boutique, and usually non-revolutionary, fitness clubs. For many who can afford it, attending these clubs have become a cult-like experience. The cult-like gyms become super cultish and competitive, with people vying to reserve specific “units” to work out at, and having nervous break-downs when they aren’t able to attend a session.

Now let’s pivot to Equinox. Equinox has been one of the most luxury, high-end gyms operating in major metropolitan areas for quite some time. As a smorgasbord of boutique fitness joints have emerged as of late, Equinox’s member rates and sales have likely taken a minor blow. In light of that, it seems Equinox is trying to fight back by channeling the whole “cult” mentality when trying attract new customers with these new billboards.

Get a load of this shit:

Equinox Ad 3.jpg

 

What the fuck is this shit!? This is creepy as fuck. I mean, with the psychos that spending over 2K a month on boutique fitness clubs, this picture actually seems a little normal. But let’s be real. This chick looks like some evil-ass human embodiment of Malificent from “Sleeping Beauty”, pulling some ancient biblical Romulous and Remus shit. Fuck that noise.

She-wolf_suckles_Romulus_and_Remus.jpg

 

But wait, it wasn’t enough for Equinox to trot out one creepy-ass cult-like advertisement. Oh noooo….

 

Equinox Ad 2.jpg

 

Are you fucking kidding me? What, is Equinox trying to get Frodo and Samwise Gamgee to convert to the fucking Equinox gym that exists in mo-fuggin’ Rivendale? 

 

Elves_head_to_Valinor.png

 

And for the cherry on top, here’s Equinox’s third creepy as hell advertisement:

 

Equinox Ad 1.png

 

I guess some Equinox marketing executives had a tight deadline, were tired as fuck, and were just like “I KNOW, let’s just do some 21st century “Eyes Wide Shut” orgy scene and appear edgy as fuck to all of these cult fitness freaks”?

Paging Tom Cruise?

Screen shot 2016-08-11 at 9.39.07 PM.png

 

Hey Equinox… if you’re trying to scare away customers, well, IT’S WORKING. 

 

AND YOU KNOW IT BOY.

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