The Shit Show That Is The 2016 Olympics Games

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil is “set” to host the 2016 Summer Olympics that are about to go down in less than 2 weeks (August 5th). The Summer Games will feature some compelling stories: from Michael Phelps further cementing his legacy, to Carmelo Anthony becoming the 1st American basketball player to win 3 gold medals, to the emergence of Simone Biles (one of the most talented US gymnast in recent years).

The lead up to the Rio Olympics has been also been quite “compelling”. HOW-EVAH, the compelling nature of the stories leading up to the Summer Games has been far from flattering, exciting, or optimistic. In fact, the stories surrounding the 2016 Olympics have managed to revolve around almost every issue under the sun, other than the athletics. Here’s a quick sum-up of all the crazy shit that’s gone down in the past months related to the Olympic games:

#1) The emergence of the global epidemic known as the Zika Virus. The virus, which is mainly transmitted by mosquitos and doing the horizontal mambo, can kill humans and cause severe birth defects to babies born from mothers carrying DAT ZIKA. Of course, DAT ZIKA touched-down in the Western Hemisphere for the first time back in May in none other than, Brazil. The fear of catching DAT ZIKA has even led to a number of American athletes passing on the opportunity to compete in Rio (Jordan Spieth; Steph Curry).




#2) Dirty Ass Water. Everyday, a shitload of nasty-ass sewage pours into the waters of Rio de Janeiro that Olympic athletes will be competing in (via The Atlantic). Dead fish have risen to the surface of Rio waters after dying from the water contamination. A bunch of sailors training in the waters shit their pants just front breathing the air out on the sea. What was originally proposed as an opportunity for the Brazilian government to clean-up the shit show that is the country’s public waters, has become a near-guaranteed safety hazard for athletes. Get a load of this shit:

The AP lanced that bubble last year with two investigations based on independent water-quality testing. The first, published in July, found that in certain venues, Olympic athletes are “almost certain to come into contact with disease-causing viruses that in some tests measured up to 1.7 million times the level of what would be considered hazardous on a Southern California beach.”


You fucking kidding me, bruh? Get the fuck out here with that nonsense. It seems the Brazilian government is too busy being corrupt as hell, being crony capitalists, and taking bribes, to be bothered the god damn water systems of Rio.



#3) Air/Land-Pollution. Maybe it’s just me, but I was always under the impression that one needs to “breath” quite a bit while competing in athletic competition at the highest levels in the world. Maybe it’s just me, but I always under the impression that in order to “breath” while competing athletically, one needs fresh/clean/unpolluted air. Well, it turns out that the air, land, and sea in Rio is totally fucked. Peep this gem via Fusion (FYI: Fusion has been on top of this for 1.5 years now):

Because of fecal matter, dog urine, and food waste, the sand on some of Rio’s most famous beaches isn’t always considered safe for human contact. This month, the city’s environmental testing determined the sand was unsafe on parts of Copacabana Beach, where numerous Olympic events will take place.


#4) Shitty housing conditions. According to ESPN, the +10,000 international athletes competing in the Summer Games will be forced to pay for their own air conditioning themselves. 

According to the Rio Olympics’ official spokesman: 

“We don’t think it’s going to be critical [to have air conditioning] there.”

Oh really? I have a sneaking suspicion it’s going to be “critical”. Temperature levels in Rio during the Olympics are expected to average at least 70 degrees Fahrenheit. So for athletes competing at the highest level, it will be critical to have places to cool down and relax the body. Unfortunately for  hundreds and thousands of competitors, they come from non-first-world-countries and will have no fucking way to pay for the NECESSARY and EXPECTED amenities. 

This would be like the fucking Winter Olympics not giving the “Jamaican Bobsled Team” a radiator in their housing. 

#5) Russia has been implicated and found guilty of orchestrating a full-fledged state-sponsored doping program for Russian athletes. An investigation commissioned by the World Anti-Doping Agency confirmed the following:

“Uncovered a state-run doping scheme that implicated 28 sports, both summer and winter, and ran from 2011 to 2015.” This includes tampering with drug test samples in order to cover up positive test results by Russian athletes.


So you’re saying that not only has Russia and Putin been treating their athletes like mo-fuggin DRAGO from Rocky IV, but those same athletes will be competing in the 2016 Olympic Games. While a court has just upheld the ban of the Russian Track and Field teams (rightfully so), there are surely other Russian athletes doped the fuck up that will be competing at a fair advantage.

So not only will athletes from other countries be battling the contaminated environment of Brazil, but will also be forced to battle against mutant Russian cyborgs.



And how can we be so sure that steroid-infused Russian athletes will be competing at the games, even though the Track and Field teams have been banned? Well….



Six weeks before the Summer Olympics open in Rio de Janeiro, the laboratory that was set to handle drug testing at the Games has been suspended by the World Anti-Doping Agency in a new escalation of the doping crisis in international sports.


A bunch of cheating Russian athletes just basically found out that the substitute teacher is going to be in all during mid-term week. Putin is finna be swinging into Rio with a shitload of steroids stuffed in his pockets like:





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