The Bachelorette Eps 3+4: A Totally Straight Dude’s Impressions

Now that it’s Wednesday morning, I can effectively say that I’m questioning manhood after watching 4 hours of the Bachelorette over a 2 day span. But I’ll be damned if that wasn’t some of the most riveting 4 hours of television I’ve ever witnessed. After a few solo dates, some group dates and a 2 on 1(!), this what we ended up with…

That’s right… As it stands, Chad is currently ousted. But that doesn’t mean it’s stopping him from exacting revenge on all his fellow Bachelorette hopefuls. So let’s review how we got to this point, because these past 4 hours were fucking LIT. I’ve got a lot of words to write so buckle up, it’s gon’ be a bumpy ride…

Chase’s Solo Date

When I say “lit,” I mean this double episode extravaganza was in every sense bat shit crazy. It started with Chase and Joelle (I had no idea that’s what JoJo stood for?!) on a solo date at a tantric yoga class. What better way to manufacture love with a person you’ve known for 1 week than to literally have sex with your clothes. Chase was kinda like Forrest Gump when he opened his mouth, but in segment he didn’t really need to focus on speaking elegantly. His physical attributes said it all. What really stood out to me was his attire. Chase dresses like my Dad before my Mom finally broke into his closet. Idk if it’s the fact that they can’t wear any brand logos on the show, but somebody needs to get that dude a package from Men’s Warehouse.

Chad and Canadian Daniel’s Gym Seshes

I wrote last week how Chad and Daniel’s friendship was the most bizarre relationship I’ve ever seen. Well, they took to a different level this week with their shirtless parkour mansion workouts. Not only do they look like extreme hardos, but they might as well have starred in their own gay porno while they were at it.

Chad preceded his workout with Daniel by stating “if I can’t lift weights I’m gonna kill somebody,” which makes a lot more sense when you consider the fact that he also said”let’s go outside” about a million times the last two eps.

These past 4 hours also made me realize that Chad is basically Donald Trump. Not only have they both made a career in real estate, but they also make nicknames for people like high school bullies. Like the Donald calls Marco Rubio “Little Marco,” Chad has comparable names for people like Evan (“a guy from 5th element” and Grant (who he called squidward from SpongeBob Squarepants lmfao). Fuck dude, he’s even buying up the domain names of his fellow suitors are redirecting them to his own personal website! That’s so Tump-esque it hurts.

The Sex Stories Group Date

Obviously the big event here was Evan not so subtlety calling out Chad for using steroids during his monologue. Evan might be the most dislikable character on this entire show. I was genuinely hoping Chad was going to choke him out, and I can’t believe he only ripped his $5 old navy v-neck when Evan attempted to shove him over the seats. Then Chad went the extra mile by making an upper echelon spin zone when he told everyone that Evan was bullying him! This was my immediate reaction:

Honestly, it’s hard not to respect Chad’s hustle. By the end of Tuesday night he became by far my favorite dude on the show. I can summarize Chad’s logic like this “I’m not trying to be a tough guy, I’m just being myself and everyone else is a bunch of pussies.” I genuinely felt bad when he went for the onstage smooch and JoJo turned him down.

In the end, Evan would give JoJo an ultimatum, either send Chad home, or he would have to leave. Joelle chose neither option and instead offered Even a fucking pity rose to appease him. It’s like those situations in high school when a kid that’s clearly out of a girl’s league and asks her to prom, but she’s waiting for someone else to ask her and she gives him a charity excuse just to not hurt his feelings. That’s Evan to the Bachelorette.

At the end of the ep, we saw Chad punch a door during a testosterone induced rage that he likely suffered because of the Rocky IV type level steroids he’s ingesting on the reg.

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As a result, the other dudes got a security guard to watch over him like he’s fucking Johnny Manziel. In effort to calm him down, Daniel gave Chad some wise words of advice telling him to try not to be “Hitler of Trump,” but be like “Mussolini or Bush.” I couldn’t script anything more apt to come out of Canadian Daniel’s mouth. This all occurred while Chad was munching on a raw yam and a slice of lettuce before the cocktail party.

Like I said, it’s hard not to like Chad’s completely bananas shenanigans…

James Taylor Solo Date

Not much to say about this. James Taylor continued to capitalize off his strong performance last week during his solo swing dancing date with JoJo. He’s just a really nice, personable dude. Like one of these guys that’s positive to a fault. Like that friend who tells you everything’s going to be OK, even though you know the complete opposite is true. You need that friend in your life. Despite his Ed Sheeran-like looks, James Taylor’s personality makes him a good bet moving forward. And of course  he got out an obligatory guitar performance. For fucks sake dude, just put it away.

Episode 4

We picked back up with this ragtag group of jabronis after Chris was forced to speak with Chad following his conversation with Evan. Evan keeps staying snitching, but Chad’s revenge soon come… Even though Chad was forced to make nice with everyone, we all knew that was never going to last. And because of all of the hostility in the house, the cocktail party was cancelled in favor of a pool party with JoJo and 17 dudes. What a fucking scene that was. Behind every corner we saw HoHo making out with another guy, and in between said guy playing chicken in the pool. It was like middle school all over again… The best part was Chad going solo dolo on the back porch doing a monologue about how e’s the “Chad Bear” while the show kept cutting to actual footage of a kodiak bear. But remember, “it’s not wise to poke the Chad Bear.”

Anyway, we picked back up at the Rose Ceremony and for the fucking life of me I can’t comprehend how Vinny the barber keeps getting a rose. What is it with this guy? Is he a close relative of a writer on the show? Is the camera not catching him at some critical moments? Does he have a dick made of gold? Idk, it’s beyond me.

In the end, Chad received the final rose for the second straight week.

Dearly Departed

Ali: We barely got to know this guy and I still think he was a better option than Vinny the barber.

Nick B.: At least he has a career as a prop Santa Claus to fall back on.

Christian: Couldn’t even tell you if this guy was on the show after the first hour of ep 1. He may not have had a pulse for 5 hours of filming.

Luke Solo Date

To paraphrase the Queen Bey Beehive, “slaaaaaay Luke slaaaaaay.” And slay he did. Luke fucking killed it on the solo date in the backwoods of bumblefuck Pennsylvania. Flashing some skin, touting his military record, saying something actually fucking substantive. It was a strong showing from one of this season’s favorites. It’ll be tough to beat Luke since he’s got the looks and the ability to tap into his emotions, especially in a group full of male robots. I won’t be surprised when the majority of female fans start jumping on his bandwagon.

Football Group Date

The next day, we picked up with JoJo selecting everyone by Chad and Alex for a group date at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh where the group would compete in football related activities. They were greeted by Steeler legends Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Brett Keisel. All of which I’m fairly certain Wells had no idea the identities of. I was surprised how physically aggressive the date was. James Taylor scored some serious points for drawing blood, that is until he taped himself up with an Egyptian style head dress.

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Then when it came time to play some two hand touch football, we got Evan pulling another classic Evan move wearing a single strip of eye black…

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Every time you think you can’t hate this guy anymore he goes and totally discredits that notion. The combo of the single eye black and his goatee makes Evan look like a pedophile Captain Hook. By the end of the game, Evan got another nosebleed. The only time I’ve seen nosebleeds of this magnitude was from Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction…

And then you had Jordan, a noteworthy division 1 collegiate quarterback, bragging about how he was dominating the game. His insecurity is legit LOL funny. To brag about dominating on some sub par athletes in a sport that you dedicated your entire life to and ultimately failed achieving your goals in just solidified the fact that Jordan has some loose marbles in his noggin.

After the game, the winning team scored some extra time with JoJo, during which she she sucked face with each one of them. It was remarkable. The only time I’ve seen that type of action going on is with some sorority girls at a college frat party.

Chad & Alex 2-1 Date

And so we got to the moment we had all been waiting for. The Show had building up to this showdown between Alex and Chad from the jump, and what better way to square them against each other than on an awkward AF hike through the wilderness? Personally, I loved the fact that they were given hatchets to navigate the terrain, it was like a Leo DiCaprio v. Tom Hardy in The Revenant style showdown. At the conclusion, JoJo snitched on Alex for the truth bombs he told her about Chad in a private convo. In Chad’s defense, it’s #BroCode not to snitch when you’ve threatened to track down Jordan Rodgers and beat his ass after the show is done.

When Alex got back, Chad threatened him and all others to keep his name out their mouths like he was Hitler’s Gestapo during World War II. All of Chad’s misogynistic demeanor and smooth talking couldn’t get him out of this one… Alex would take home the rose, as Chad was left in the wilderness alone, during which he seemed to finally snap… For Chad “the pigs are in the castle” finally, whatever the fuck that meant.

But it doesn’t look like that’s the end of the “Chad Bear” on the Bachelorette. While contemplating his next move in the wilderness, he seems to have gone full on psycho. He walked the entire way back to the resort, stalked the front door, and appears hell bent and causing havoc.

I especially enjoyed Chad going full on Scream serial killer at the end there dragging his hands against the window. Could this really be the end for Chad? If so, here’s a quick eulogy for him: Chad, we’ll miss your constant threats to “go outside” and pummel heads, your soft-core gay porno workouts, your constant meat munching, raw yam eating ways and your innate ability to be hated yet loved. You have a nice reality TV career coming your way, so you’re gone, but not lost. RIP in peace Chad bear.

Week 3 Power Rankings

  1. Luke
  2. Chase
  3. Jordan
  4. James Taylor
  5. Chad- Because I can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to fight his way back onto the show, or simply mass murder everyone.

ANY YOU KNOW IT

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