First: I know that the second letter of “bonanza” is spelled with an “o” and not an “a”.
Second: I know that I added an extra “a” toward the end of “bonanza”.
Third: I don’t give a fuck. I was determined to title this article with a shitty-ass pun.
Ok, where were we…
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, a beautiful/majestic 17-year old gorilla named Harambe was gunned down at the Cincinnati Zoo this past weekend after a 3-year old visitor snuck into his
big-ass cage “enclosure” and approached the animal. The child made physical contact and engaged physically with the gorilla, which initiated 10-minutes of absolute chaos. Ultimately, the incident ended with Cincinnati Zoo officials gunning down Harambe in order to ensure the safety of the child.
Here’s a quick clip of the most gnarly moment of the entire incident:
I’m not here to talk about why all of this went down and who is to blame. All I really have to say is that all of y’all are a bunch of assholes. Seriously, there’s a magnificent endangered animal that is dead and a toddler that nearly lost his life…. And all I’ve peeped over the past few days is everyone attacking everyone. There’s no common ground anywhere. There’s no respectful words be spoken on the subject. Nah, just a bunch of hate and vitriol getting swatted back and forth like a nice shuttlecock on a July 4th afternoon. Straight up, the only thing this Harambe incident proved was that everyone hates each other.
Anyway (yes, you are welcome for the Chapelle’s Show clip), rather than choose sides and pretend to have any serious conviction about this unfortunate shitshow, let’s highlight the biggest categories of assholes that have emerged around the death of Harambe:
#1) The “How could you kill such an innocent animal?” and the “The gorilla was just protecting the child.” assholes.
#2) The “Why didn’t they just shoot the gorilla with tranquilizer guns instead of real guns?” assholes.
#3) The “Those parents should be held responsible for the death of the gorilla.” assholes.
#4) The “How dare you judge another parent?” and the “Parenting is so tough and you have no idea what you are talking about.” assholes.
#5) The “Who cares? Animals don’t matter.” assholes.
#6) The “How could the parents not jump into the gorilla cage and try to save their child.” assholes.
#7) The “Well if everyone was carrying a gun, then the parents wouldn’t have had to wait 10 minutes for someone to take down the gorilla.” assholes.
Can’t everyone just get along and root for the good guys? Like Tarzan?