The Bachelorette Ep2: A Straight Dude’s Impressions

I still find the world of The Bachelorette incredibly bizarre for many reasons. First and foremost came by way of this past episode which featured Chad and a group of misfit toys. Seriously, I’ve never watched a TV show where a single character consumes 80% of a 2 hour time slot. But such was the case, and deservedly so as Chad is literally the sun upon which The Bachelorette universe orbits around this season. Every bit of gossip, bitching, moaning and egotistical commenting comes by way of Chad. And he’s benefited from it.

But others also benefited from their time with JoJo in ep2 as we got our first look at some competitions, group dates and solo dates:

The Firefighter Contest:

GRANT, JOJO FLETCHER

Can someone explain to me how performing imaginary firefighter drills indicates intimate compatibility? I’m drawing a blank. But huge shocker… The professional firefighter won the firefighter competition. Color me tickled.

Aside from that, we saw Luke put on a promising performance. Maybe his 90s boy band haircut doesn’t make him soft after all. The same can’t be said for Wells, who collapsed in his fire suit and needed a lukewarm water bottle as an ice pack to keep him conscious. I think its safe to assume his career as a radio DJ does did not prepare him well for this contest. In fact, I’d venture to say that radio DJs are the oppo of firefighters. But that’s neither here nor there… Although Wells came off looking like he had some sort of life threatening illness, he gets an A for effort (and the group date rose), and some potential to perform better in contests that require actual brain power.

I’m told by sources that these cockamamie competitions are a legit part of the show, and that they have an actual impact on who warrants a rose. As bougie as that seems, I suppose they’re entertaining AF.

Derek’s Solo Date:

Later on in the ep, Derek received a date card from JoJo for an afternoon spent choosing their own custom date. But, methinks said date wasn’t so custom. I mean, c’mon, you’re telling me The Bachelorette actually rented out two separate airplanes so that JoJo and Derek could decide simultaneously to fly up “North” (and who chooses North over South anyway)? And that they both chose to drink white wine while sitting on some miscellaneous San Francisco street overseeing ta fucking bridge? GTFO. Props to the “pilot” of the plane not chosen though for legitimately seeming upset about the decision. I’m sure he was really just the co-pilot for the chosen plane, but his acting chops were on full display.

the bachelorette jojo derek choose your own adventure date

Aside from all that madness, the date was lackluster at best. It was mostly consumed with bland talk about each other’s past relationships and how they’re “ready for love again.” Blah blah blah. There was legit nothing exciting about this portion of the ep, but maybe the script knew that it had some scolding hot fire coming from Chad later on.

The Sports Nation Group Date:

First, I’m obligatorily compelled to mention that James Taylor absolutely killed this ep and topped the “Bachelor Nation” power rankings. The dude definitely has charm and skill. However, just how much is left in that tank? IMHO, he may need to cool it on the singer/song-writer escapades out of fear of becoming the “guitar guy” on the show. Nobody likes a “guitar guy,” you know, the guy that always breaks out a guitar to showcase his talent…

The rest of the guys were pretty unremarkable, until we got to Chad’s performance. He first called JoJo “naggy,” a big no-no stereotype.

Then, he refused to apologize for doing so, simultaneously taking shots at his fellow contestants for being “fake” and inferior to him. He also told JoJo that he doesn’t love her, and that she needs to get to know him better. From what I’m told, Chad basically went off script and made a move that isn’t outlawed on The Bachelorette, but is also not condoned either etiquette wise…

fzrtozl

Spoiler: That strategy would pay off.

“The Rise of Chad”

In a season full of dudes with the personality of a rock, we needed Chad to be a villain. Is he the smartest of villains? No. But he’s big enough of an egotistical meat head to makeup for his villainy shortcomings. As he put on full display at the cocktail party.

Chad isn’t maniacal, he’s more like a physical brute villain. Like the Blob. He kinda just keeps coming at you, an unstoppable force, if you will. First it was calling everyone out on the Bachelor Nation set. Then it was telling Jordan that he was soft, and he was more a man. Then it was telling Alex he was short… and more of a man than him (BTW they’re both Marines apparently.. Former vets seems like it was prerequisite for the show this season). He did whatever he could to get under everyone’s skin.

That culminated when he whisked JoJo away from her conversations with others, like Evan (the erectile dysfunction specialist) and stealing her away before her entrance to the cocktail party. And it was exacerbated when everyone realized Chad was eating all of the deli meats known to man kind. Seriously, that jamoke was sucking down boars head ham like nobody’s business.

And trust me, he was savoring every last morsel. Only a villain chews on a bite sized meat on a stick with 4 bites… Savage.

In the end, the old idiom of “chicks dig the dickhead” proved true as Chad received the final rose, much to the dismay of his peers. Personally, I’m not even mad about it. To keep this season entertaining they need Chad to continue his tomfoolery, at least for now.

Who Won The Week?

I could say James Taylor, but the obvious choice is Chad. Not just for receiving a rose, but for becoming an internet sensation (which I’m sure is his ultimate plan). Without a doubt, he’s looking at years and years of reality TV celebrity appearances when it’s all said and done. Don’t be surprised to see Chad in Bachelor in Paradise (sidenote: Are Chad and Daniel the most unlikeliest of Bachelor friendships ever? Fucking bizarre eh’?)

Kiss Counter:

A running count of the lucky schmucks to smooch JoJo…

  • Jordan- 1
  • Nick B- 1
  • Derek- 2
  • James Taylor- 2
  • Chad- 2

The Dearly Departed:

A memoir of Bachelorette contestants lost for the week…

  • James S.- At least now he can bone up on his Bachelor knowledge.
  • Branden- At least now he has time to actually become a hipster.
  • Vinny- At least now he can become a barber with a good haircut.

Week 2 Power Rankings

  1. Luke: His qualifications and background still make him a strong candidate.
  2. Chase: He made a nice showing at the end with the snow fall during the cocktail party
  3. Jordan: He takes a dip after no-showing this past week.
  4. Chad: Because every girl gets 1 ass-hat boyfriend in their life.
  5. James Taylor: At least until he becomes “guitar guy.”

 

AND YOU KNOW IT

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