Donald Trump’s “Last Week Tonight”

Due to the combination of Trump’s innate/insane ability to consistently say dumb shit, my crazy work week, my alcoholism in action after an intense day of work, and the media’s obsession with covering and writing stories on every single move DonDon makes, there was no way I could keep up with everything that went down on the Trump Train this week. So in order to cover what we missed, we figured we do our own “last week tonight” of what went on in the world of Trump this past week. ICYMI: Jon Oliver’s real episode of “Last Week Tonight” on HBO that destroyed Trump was one of the best pieces of media produced in 2016.



This puppy has been sitting in “Drafts” for a minute. As a result, we’ll be covering some highlights of the Trump Train’s activities over the past few weeks. Ok, let’s tackle this shit: 


May 10th: Two More Notches On Trump’s Primary Belt 

Two Tuesday’s ago, Donald Trump dominated the Nebraska and West Virginia Republican Primaries, winning 61.4% and 77% of the vote respectively. As we discussed in our Trumpmentum article, DonDon has won +50% of every state primary since the one that went down in New York last month. These 2 primaries were notable as they were the first state contests that took place without Ted Cruz or John Kasich actively campaigning. Both Alf and Johnny Boy suspended their respective campaigns after getting soul-crushingly curb-stomped in Indiana. The #NeverTrump coalition must now digest that Donald Trump will reach the necessary 1,237 delegates to clinch the Republican nomination.



May 12th: Mr. Smith Trump Goes To Washington 

After it became clear that only a brutal and ugly contested convention would keep Donald J from receiving the GOP nomination, both the Republican Establishment and the Trump Campaign recognized the need to establish a line of dialogue between each other. DonDon headed to Washington DC to meet with Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, and other Republican leaders. The meeting was established with the goal of:

  1. Finding shared goals/visions and potentially “collaborating” with each other. 
  2. Keeping the current Republican Party from blowing the fuck up and becoming the second coming of the Barnum and Bailey Circus. 




As we’ve previously covered, many Republican Establishment politicians coalesced around an anti-Trump movement known as “Stop Trump” or “#NeverTrump”. By joining together, these GOP figureheads hoped to “talk some sense” into the Republican voter base. Considering Trump’s current position atop the delegate leaderboard, the mission to stop Trump was an utter failure. As any practical politician should know, when a strategy fails, it’s time to pivot, adapt, adjust, and do your best to make a shitty situation tolerable. That’s basically all Paul Ryan and the current GOP elite is hoping to do when dealing with the human wrecking ball that is “Trump”.

The Speaker of the House and many Republicans still loathe The Donald, but they need to see just exactly what his goals are, and if they can steer/guide him in the policy direction of their choosing. If Trump is ultimately an amendable creature of politics, then the GOP can tolerate a Trump ticket if it ensures that the current vision of the Republican Party remains in place. Then again, Paul Ryan and dem boys could simply find out that Trump actually is, in fact, a madman and that there’s no real way of controlling/collaborating with him.

Judging by all reports following the emergency pow-wow, there’s a decent chance that The Speaker and The Donald could eventually get along and find legitimate common ground. Here’s what Ryan had to say following the meeting:

“While we were honest about our few differences, we recognize that there are also many important areas of common ground.”

“We will be having additional discussions, but remain confident there’s a great opportunity to unify our party and win this fall, and we are totally committed to working together to achieve that goal.”

Here’s what Trump had to say following the meeting:




Classic style bra.


May 13th: Washington Post Publishes Hilarious “John Miller” Story 

This story is out of fucking control son. If you haven’t peeped yet, it’s worth reading the entire thing right here. If you want a quick primer and highlights, see below:

Basically there was these media spokesmen of Donald Trump’s named John Miller or John Barron that worked for the real estate mogul back in the day. These media spokesmen would make occasional cameos and public comments to established media entities throughout the 1980’s and 1990’s. In most instances, “John Miller” or “John Barron” would go on long-winded monologues of Donald Trump’s god-like status. “John Miller” would brag about everything from Trump’s business success to his sexual conquests. But here’s the thing, according to the WaPo’s review of many phone recordings, “John Miller”‘s voice, tone, and verbal mannerisms all had an uncanny resemblance to that of Donald Trump.

Want to know why? Because “John Miller” never existed. Donald Trump would often pose as a fake PR employee in order to control everything about his messaging and image. Trump would lie and use false identification with the main purpose of braggin’ about his lifestyle and success. It doesn’t get more shallow, cartoonish, and savage than that, folks. Here’s a fun example of “John Miller”‘s tactics:

“In 1991, Sue Carswell, a reporter at People magazine, called Trump’s office seeking an interview with the developer. She had just been assigned to cover the soap opera surrounding the end of Trump’s 12-year marriage to Ivana, his budding relationship with the model Marla Maples and his rumored affairs with any number of celebrities who regularly appeared on the gossip pages of the New York newspapers.

Within five minutes, Carswell got a return call from Trump’s publicist, a man named John Miller, who immediately jumped into a startlingly frank and detailed explanation of why Trump dumped Maples for the Italian model Carla Bruni. “He really didn’t want to make a commitment,” Miller said. “He’s coming out of a marriage, and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially.”




Trump has continued to deny the accusations. I for one would love for these phone recordings to be released to the public. Can’t imagine just how obnoxious and ridiculous a young Donald Trump sounded in his heyday.


May 14th: New York Times publishes scathing hit-piece discussing Donald Trump’s treatment of various women over the years. 

This one was another god damn doozy. The piece, crafted with the intention of assassinating Trump’s character, details how Trump has “behaved with women in private” throughout his life. The NYT interviewed multiple women who gave first-hand accounts of Trump’s disrespectful and rude behavior when interacting with The Donald. As the NYT highlighted, this is what DonDon has said recently regarding his respect for the female gender:

“A lot of things get made up over the years,” he said. “I have always treated women with great respect. And women will tell you that.”

Apparently, Trump’s proclamation doesn’t run parallel to the information provided by various women in the NYT article. Here’s what of the whackier tidbits from the hit-piece:

“Temple Taggart, the 21-year-old Miss Utah, was startled by how forward he was with young contestants like her in 1997, his first year as the owner of Miss USA, a branch of the beauty pageant organization. As she recalls it, he introduced himself in an unusually intimate manner.

He kissed me directly on the lips. I thought, ‘Oh my God, gross.’ He was married to Marla Maples at the time. I think there were a few other girls that he kissed on the mouth. I was like ‘Wow, that’s inappropriate.'”






May 16th: Multiple women dispute the New York Times article. Some claim their words were misrepresented. 

Turns out, the NYT’s obvious hit-piece was not exactly the greatest exhibition of quality journalism during this election cycle. If anything the NYT article comparable to Rolling Stone’s absolutely embarrassing and reputation-destroying article about rapes on UVA’s campus.

Here’s what one of Trump’s ex-girlfriends had to say about her inclusion in the NYT article:

“It was extremely disappointing to read. Point blank. I was really, really upset when I started to read it,” Rowanne Brewer Lane told ABC News today.

“I named a lot of things that he did that I thought were stand-up things,” Brewer Lane told ABC News. “And it just didn’t come across that way at all. They absolutely put the spin on it and gave it the negative connotation throughout the whole article. So I was pretty upset with them. I still am.”


My two takeaways:

  1. The New York Times is out to get Trump and is willing to stretch anyone’s comments to fit its narrative.
  2. Donald Trump PROBABLY hasn’t treated women oh-so-fantastically over the years.


May 17th: Trump wins the Oregon Republican Presidential Primary

I mean, what the fuck else did you expect to happen? Trump is obviously going to win every state primary from here on out. With no more active candidates running against DonDon, voters will either choose to jump on the Trump Train, or will simply just stay home as they know that they’d be voting for an empty option. Trump added 18 more notches to his belt and inched closer to obtaining the necessary 1,237 dellies to earn the party nomination.

Republican Oregon Results.png


Trump be out here like “Make Microbrews Great Again”, to the Oregonians.


May 18th: Mitt Romney Attempts To Orchestrate a Third-Party Challenger to Donald Trump. 

As Yahoo reported (who would have thought that Yahoo can do anything right these days?), Mitt Romney was still contemplating running for POTUS as an independent all the way up Mid-May. Not only that, but Romney was also trying to recruit other Republican figureheads to mount a third-party candidacy in order to defeat Trump. Mitt The Mormon realized that while he is a likable/savvy politician and warm/gentle man, he is a failed candidate. Which makes it more likely that a different GOP member could be a more successful third-party challenger. Both John Kasich and Ben Sasse were approached by the Romney camp. Both John Kasich and Ben Sasse issued their “kind declinations” to the Romney camp. At this point, Mitt should just head to Martha’s Vineyard for Memorial Day Weekend and try to relax with some tasty-ass ice cream. 




If Mitt was really this serious about establishing a third-party candidate for the POTUS, I would think he’d try to encourage someone like Mike Bloomberg to run. Mikey B would put a straight shellacking on both DonDon and The Hilldabeast. 


May 23rd: Reince Priebus, RNC Chariman, Actually comes to Trump’s Defense? 

Here’s what Priebus, one of the most inept chairman in the history of the RNC and DNC, had to say to Fox News regarding Mitt Romeny’s recent activity.

“They can try to hijack another party and get on the ballot, but, look, it’s a suicide mission for our country because what it means is that you’re throwing down not just eight years of the White House but potentially 100 years on the Supreme Court and wrecking this country for many generations.”

“So I think that’s the legacy these folks will leave behind. I think it’s very dangerous, and there’s other ways to get assurances on the things that they’re worried about.”

While Reince is clearly correct that a third-party candidate would most likely grant Hillary Clinton the presidency in November, he acknowledges that it’s understandable that Republicans such as Romney and Sasse are very worried about what Trump’s true intentions are…



May 24th: Trump Wins Washington. Keeps the Trumpmentum Going. 

Trump won a YUGE 75.8% of the vote during the Washington Republican Presidential Primary. This resulted in DonDon clean-sweeping all 40 of the Evergreen State’s delegates.



May 25th: Elizabeth Warren Calls Trump An “Insecure Money-Grubber” 

Elizabeth Warren went on a tirade lambasting Donald Trump as an “insecure money-grubber” in front of a large audience earlier this week. Among other things, Warren accused Trump of having no moral-character due to the fact that he “took advantage of the housing crisis”. While Warren is probably correct that Trump is insecure and very focused on turning a quick buck, I’m not sure she wants to get in a war of words/barbs with The Donald. However, it looks like Warren will be the attack-dog for the DNC in the short-term, as Hillary continues to hide from the public eye and Bernie Sanders continues to focus on his own presidential campaign.

See Warren’s highly hypocritical (we’ll get into that later) comments about Trump here.


May 26th: Donald Trump Gives Zero Fucks, Decides to Refer To Warren As “Pocahontas”

I mean, C’MON SON. There’s being a no-filtered politician that “says it as it is”. Then there’s being a no-filtered moron that takes part in inflammatory name-calling. I’m not Elizabeth Warren fan by any means, but Jesus Christ, “Pocahontas” is not the name that you want to call a “Native American” in today’s PC climate. (Yes, we quoted “Native American” due to the fact that Warren is barely Native American and solely ascribes herself as one for political and monetary purposes).

I guess Donald thinks that because he already has a majority of minority groups in America that hates his guts, he might as well throw “The Indians” in there too. DonDon has officially doubled-down on giving zero fucks.


And there you have it folks. This was Donald Trump’s last few weeks, tonight. 



Trump Train



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