The Bachelorette: First Impressions

Yup, you read that right. I’m not quite sure how we got here, but the time has come to start covering the strangest phenomenon known to mankind: The Bachelorette. Credit goes to my girlfriend, who has dragged me through enough mud for my selection in TV shows, as she successfully convinced me to give the Bachelorette a try just yesterday. While I would sum up my time spent watching the program as some of the worst TV I have ever witnessed in my life, it is somehow profoundly entertaining and addicting. So, here we are. I’m a newbie, and I’ll be covering this season featuring JoJo Fletcher. Naturally, my working knowledge on the Bachelorette is novice, so any insight and comments are welcomed. Let’s make the best of this wonky journey...

But first, a moment of recognition for one of the premier sketches from this past season of Saturday Night Live, which just wrapped up its 41st season this past Saturday (please ignore Ronda Rousey’s lame appearance)

JoJo: First Impression jojo-fletcher-the-bachelorette-3

I’m kinda outta the loop since I didn’t watch the Bachelor, but overall JoJo seems like a certified dime piece. She’s 5’4″, 25 years old, a noted Republican and born and raised in Dallas, Texas. She has a BA from Baylor University (so presumably she knows how to party) and works as a Real Estate Developer. Apparently, she comes from Persian descent and her Mother is listed as Iranian on internet bios. Her Father is an internist, so you know she comes from $$$. She seems like she’s fun, knows how to throw down (I mean her family drinks straight outta wine bottles after all) and is sociable. She should be able to carry the show as the Bachelorette with her looks and outgoing personality. Which is important when a majority of the dudes selected have the personality of a rock.

So, like I said, she seems like a certified dime… But, her constant complaining about her time on the Bachelor with Ben Higgins gave me some cause for concern. I simply can’t understand how she’s unable to wrap her head around the fact that Ben (the actual bland man) could find love in two women. I mean, hello lady, you signed up for a reality television show, anything is fucking possible.

So, minus that hiccup, JoJo is a catch for all these jabronis she has to choose from, as said jabronis made note of several times

The Pool: First Impressions

I don’t have the time in my life to go through all 25 of these mostly psychologically unstable dudes, so I’m only going to cover the jagaloons who actually received a rose…

Jordan Rodgers

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So, I don’t like this dude for a multitude of reasons. First and foremost being that he’s obviously the younger brother of NFL mega-star Aaron Rodgers. The type of fame that Aaron has is enough to make any younger brother mad for lust. And what better way to capitalize on your floundered football career than to walk your way through Bachelorette auditions? Quite obviously he’s going to be around for awhile (he did get the first impression rose…), but in the end I think his ulterior motives will be his undoing. Also, someone please get this guy some pomade… That was some bad oversight by the crew.

And FWIW, this guy was on NFL practice squads… Couldn’t even make the 53 man roster a single time… So stop telling me he’s a former professional QB… PASS.

Robby Hayes

He’s 27 years old, and a former competitive swimmer. But what he should be known for is his stunning iteration of a jacked Will Forte… It’s an uncanny resemblance. He also seems like a dude who’s going to be doing a lot of confessionals bitching about other dudes (namely Chad). All in all, if you’re going for the jacked Will Forte look, without the humor, you’re headed in the wrong direction.

Luke Pell

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First off, he made some corny AF unicorn joke when he first met JoJo that swung and missed like Chandler Bing playing softball. But aside from that, he seems like a good top-6 candidate given the fact he’s a native Texan. But riddle me this, Luke, WTF kinda Texan has a cross cropped haircut like that. A fugazi Texan, that’s who.

James Taylor

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This guy would have an infinity better chance if he was the actual James Taylor (whom I’m guessing a majority of you have no clue about, so make sure you educate yourselves), but nonetheless the guitar was a nice touch. That’s how you get a leg up in these freak show first impression meetings on the Bachelorette. Problem is, he’s going to have to keep bring heat like that every episode to advance, and IDK how much ingenuity this guy’s got left in his noggin.

Chad Johnson

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If you asked me to draw a picture of what I thought an “extremely punchable face” looked like, this would be it. And that’s before we get into Chad’s peaked in High School cool kid personality. From the previews, it appears Chad’s quite obviously going to be sticking around for some time. His occupation as a luxury real estate agent clearly meshes well with JoJo, and his cocky attitude will take him far. But eventually that well runs dry… Hopefully he’ll provide his weight in entertainment before someone actually punches him in the face.

Alex Woytkiw

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I don’t really have much to say about this guy. I respect his Marines background. But, he looks like he has a napoleon complex. Apparently, he also has a twin who’s happily married. That’s too many variables for me… Plus he was doing pushups with JoJo on his back in an attempt to impress. That’s #FuckBoy material.

Christian Bishop

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He’s another top contender who seems like he’s destined for at least the top 6. He’s got the looks, the charm and the career.. And apparently he’s got the family pedigree, as Christian is reportedly cousins to current Baltimore Ravens running back Justin Forsett. This twitter exchange was comical…

Wells Adams

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Wells is another guy who distinguished himself last night by supplementing his lackluster characteristics (most likely). Bringing in All-4-One to sing acapella was world class scheming, so bravo. But, like I’ve mentioned before, what do you do now that you’ve thrown your best fastball? Wells’s experience as a radio DJ will only take him so far in my eyes. There’s definitely some truth behind Chad’s “some guys use gimmicks because they’ve got nothing else” talk.

Grant Kemp

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On the surface, Grant seems like a sure fire bet to advance deep. But, I was told by my girlfriend that Grant dumped his former girlfriend under the shade of night to be on the Bachelorette. Even going so far as to block her number when she asked for an explanation. Upon information and belief, Grant’s roman numeral tattoo is a symbol for his relationship with his ex… There’s only so long the show will go on before this is uncovered.

James S.

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Again, too many red flags here. The most prominent being that he self identifies his occupation as “Bachelor Superfan.” But the dude couldn’t even name the first Bachelor ever… Word of advice, if your shtick is being the “Bachelor Superfan” you better fucking be THE Bachelor Superfan. Having someone like this play a gimmick character is obviously scripted, but something this gimmicky is the fast track for denial.

Brandon Andreen

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His “occupation” is listed as “hipster.” So what exactly does that mean? Does he wear retro clothing? Does he enjoy music that no one else does? Does he live in Brooklyn? To me, his hair and v-neck combo seem pretty damn mainstream to me. Unless he says in a confessional “I’m on the Bachelorette ironically” that is…

Evan Bass

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I hate EVERYTHING about this guy between the constant bitching about who was/wasn’t getting a rose, the fact that he works at an Erectile Dysfunction Clinic and his Boardwalk Empire style hair. And his brutal facial hair isn’t doing him any favors either. All I wanna hear next ep is…

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Ali

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Other than striking an uncanny resemblance to the brother of NFN’s very own, Nick from NY… I guess Ali has the “exotic factor” going for him..? He also had a pretty good sob story. Real classic rags to riches rendition of an Indian kid whose parents hate him because all of his siblings are doctors and he simply strives to be a bartender who surfs a lot. Poor guy!

James F.

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I’m told by several sources that every year there’s too many people with the same name to keep them all straight. I guess this year it’s full of Jameses… Probably not good for this guy who’s as bland as they come. He’s blander than a fucking plank of wood. On the bright side, his haircut worked pretty well for my middle school version self back in the mid-2000s.

Vinny Ventiera

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I’m still not quite sure how this guy got a rose? Was JoJo drunker than she let on? I know this dude was fucking hammered. I’m just going to venture to guess that he was scripted to advance. In a room full of bland men, sometimes the guy who’s wiling to toss back one too many LI ice-teas to keep the interest level up has to stick around, at least for another week. This guy also suffers from being type-casted since his name is “Vinny.” Automatically he has the personality of Vinny from Jersey Shore. That’s just how it works, sorry.

Will

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Seems like an OK enough dude. Kinda felt bad for him after his joke when he met JoJo left him flat on his face. I’m a sucker for embarrassing situations.  I feel like there’s definitely a niche for those types of guys. The guy that is trying to hard, but always come off as embarrassed. Too bad the Bachelorette probably isn’t the best venue for that.

Nick Benvenutti

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TBH, I had no fucking idea who this guy was. Then it hit me that he was the poor schmuck that dressed up as Santa Claus. Once you’ve dressed up as Santa, I kinda feel like you have to keep that charade going.. no? Idc if the Santa Suit sweat is a major turn off, you’ve dug your grave and now you  must lay in it. Aside from that unfortunate decision, he’s also the oldest dude in the pool. What better way to overcome the age issue than by dressing up as a child’s folk hero.

Chase McNary

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He’s another dude that fell victim to the awful initial pickup line syndrome. The “I mustache you a question” was a huge hit when I was a senior in college. Unfortunately it’s 3 years later, and Chase wasn’t at a college happy hour…

Derek Peth

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Again, another guy who seems like an OK enough dude… with the personality of a brick. He told JoJo that he’s “a nerd, but isn’t smart,” to paraphrase. WTF does that even mean? Is that the same way in which I consider myself an athlete, but I can’t run like Adrian Peterson, and I don’t enjoy going to the gym… or walking up stairs.

Daniel

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The very same guy who bombed on a “Damn, Daniel” pickup line, then proceeded to get blackout drunk, strip down to his metro-sexual underwear and be the first and only contestant to jump in the pool… was also rewarded for his shenanigans by receiving a rose. That’s what we in the biz like to call “scripted entertainment.”

And that’s the same “entertainment” I’ll be tuning into next week, because as horrible as this stuff is, I venture to guess it’s more addicting than crack cocaine!

Week 1 Power Rankings

  1. Jordan
  2. Chad
  3. Luke
  4. Christian
  5. James Taylor

Again, I’m new here, so any comments and concerns are welcomed. Hope you enjoyed this review from a Bachelorette first-timer and a totally straight dude (I swear).

IT’S GON’ BE A BUMPY RIDE

 

 

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