Alf and Johnny Boy’s decisions to drop out came in the wake of the multiple shellackings that Donald Trump issued to his opponents in every state primary since the Big Apple primaries (which DonDon dominated last month). As we’ve mentioned countless times, the decision by Johnny Boy to drop out of the Republican race was a given, considering how fucking terrible he’s done in every state other than Ohio (…fineeeee, Kasich did in fact nab two or three 2nd-place finishes [I care too little to confirm the exact number]):
John Kasich’s presidential primary results on the map above resemble a lonely purple Grimace, surrounded by happy and relatively successful Ronald McDonalds. Unfortunately for Kasich, no one in America has any intention of “getting along” during this election cycle. Kasich has been theoretically mathematically eliminated from the race for months now. Considering this fact, it seems someone in the Republican Establishment slipped Johnny Boy the word that there’s no way the GOP would nominate him in a potential brokered convention. If somehow that was not the case, Kasich most likely decided he was tired of lighting donor money on fire faster than Steph Curry’s release. Lord knows it can be spent in a much more efficient and productive manner,
Speaking of Grimace, peep this ridiculous commercial featuring the fast-food icon and potentially the next President of the United States:
As for Cruz… his withdrawal was a bit of a surprise. While No Filter Network has consistently doubted the minuscule likelihood that Alf could win the Republican nomination outright via 1,237 dellies, we thought Cruz would be in it for the long haul. As you can see in the map-graphic above, Cruz won a respectable number of states, and consistently finished second behind Trump in the primaries (which is much more than any other former Republican candidate could say, a la Robot Rubio and General Gabagool). After receiving a smorgasbord of endorsements via Republicans such as Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney, we thought Cruz would at least ride this bitch out and see if he could build up enough momentum to promote a legitimate Contested Convention. I guess, unlike the Kasich Campaign, the Cruz Campaign acted realistically and threw in the towel once it knew it had no chance of defeating the Trump Campaign.
Unless one of the following events go down, it looks like Donald Trump will be the presidential candidate officially nominated at the Republican National Convention in July:
- Mike Bloomberg throw his name in the hat after the GOP signals they will most likely contest Trump’s nomination in the weeks leading up to Republican National Convention. There is no way the GOP will successfully push for a candidate at a potential contested convention that Trump has already triggersmacked. On top of that, there’s not shot Bloomberg would do this unless Hillary is ultimately indicted (as he has repeatedly referenced his wariness of Trump and Sanders’ populist relatively irate populist messages).
- Donald Trump says something so absolutely asinine and inappropriate that he needs to withdraw his candidacy for the nomination just to save face. Considering DonDon has gotten away with confronting the Pope and insulting John McCain for being a POW, don’t bank on it.
- Trump suffers a massive heart attack and dies.