If you’re like any normal American spending your time efficiently/productively today, that means you’re kicking back on a couch, sippin’ some brew, and watching The Masters (a tradition like no other). And if you’re like any normal American watching the god damn Masters today, you’ve probably already said to yourself: “Damn, I wish I could play Augusta”. It honestly looks like fucking golf heaven on television. Just like most people want to go to real heaven, they also want to go to golf heaven.
The Masters is the cream of the crop, man. The 1st Major of the PGA Tour Season, The Masters is held at Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia. Augusta’s not only one of the most beautiful courses in the country, but it also represents a multi-generation professional athletic tradition (…tradition of racism…?). It’s a dream of most golf fans to have the chance to play Augusta National at one point in their lives. The course represents class and exclusivity and provides one of the most exquisitely crafted landscapes in all of America.
Sidenote 1: The course is absurdly exclusive and historically racist and sexist. Augusta didn’t add it’s first black member until 1990 (Rob Townsend) or it’s first female member until 2012 (Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore).
Sidenote 2: Condi has been The Secretary of State, the first female member of Augusta National, and is now currently sitting on the god damn College Football Playoff Committee. Let’s be real, Condi is basically a freaking dude at this point. If there was a Gender Draft, like there was the famous Racial Draft
featured on Chapelle’s Show, the women would most definitely trade Condi without much hesitation considering she’s already viewed as figurative dude. But then again, Condi does swing it below the knees…. I guess the females would probably want to hang on to her.
So, how the fuck do we get to swing the clubs on Augusta National? Well, it turns out, we don’t. That’s how god damn exclusive Augusta National Golf Club. According to the following facts courtesy of Golf.com, you might have a better chance of getting onto the Masters’ course by becoming a pro golfer, than through “normal” means such as money and connections:
“When USA Today published a comprehensive list of the members in 2002, it revealed the average age of an Augusta member to be in the early 70s. Notable members include Warren Buffett (CEO of Berkshire Hathaway), Bill Gates (chairman of Microsoft), Roger Goodell (Commissioner of the NFL), Lynn Swann (Hall-of-Fame wide receiver) and Jack Welch (former CEO of General Electric”
“In the 2002 USA Today package, one Augusta member offered some inside information. The club likes to keep its total number around 300 and fees range from $25,000-$50,000. That’s a bargain compared to rates at other private clubs, which can be well into the six figures. Augusta’s waiting list is about 300, populated by those nominated by current members. Members are allowed up to four guests, and as long as the member is on the property, his guests can play without him.”
“The best piece of gossip from the Augusta caddie? One member enjoyed walking his dog on the course in the morning, but was told he couldn’t do so because his dog was not a member. He resolved the issue by paying a guest fee for his dog.“
The little nugget regarding the dog is hilarious and obviously the standout piece of info from the article. However, the real scoop is the last sentence of the second paragraph featured above. You’re telling me if a member is on the Augusta National property, a group of 4 guests can play the course that the PGA plays The Masters on….??
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heartbeat.
We need to do more research regarding how many straight up savages and rapscallions have made it onto Augusta, but it seems like there is a loophole that may exist. If we just find one of these 300 members that need some quick cash, we can potentially bribe him into letting us get some action on the beautiful course lined with sweet Georgia Pines. Then again, a bribe might not even be necessary. If we just hire a Private Investigator, we can target some of the Augusta members that are huge alcoholics and party animals. If we convince him/her(?) that we will pay for a full day of drinking and eating for him and his friends at the Augusta country club, we may have a shot of getting on the course. Seriously, it’s insane that this rule exists. But I am SO DOWN with it.