The NFL’s New Solution For Player Safety

The NFL announced this week a list of new rule changes that’ll be implemented by the league this upcoming 2016 season. Some highlights include the banning of chop-blocks (smart) and a delay of game penalty for teams that call timeouts that they don’t have (a la NBA rules). However, there were also 2 “temporary” rules that the NFL will implement this season that have the potential to have YUGE impacts on the game.

  1. Automatic ejection for a player that gets 2 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties in 1 game. 
  2. Touchbacks will now be moved from the 20-yard line to the 25-yard line. 


Temporary Change #1 is basically a “red card” for the National Football League. After the fucking shitshow that went down in the 4th quarter of the Bengals-Steelers playoff game this year, the league clearly doesn’t want a guy like Vontaze Burfict to go absolutely apeshit/kamikaze and potentially kill a guy. This makes sense. But then again, I hate the bullshit rule in College Football that a player can get ejected for a serious personal foul (a la Joey Bossa). Football is an absolutely insane/barbaric sport. If aliens were to see a football game as their first experience on Planet Earth, they’d think humans were a race of epic gladiator-esque warriors that get shitfaced while watching human-on-human violence. 

As for Temporary Change #2….. this baby has major fucking ramifications. The NFL has made it clear that they want to get rid of kick-returns (easily the most dangerous play that occurs during a game). Goodell (that fuckboi) already had the kickoff moved from a team’s own 35-yard line to the 40-yard line to encourage more touchbacks. But this rule is taking it to another level. Basically:

The NFL’s solution to player safety in football… is less football. 

Lemme analogize this bitch for a hot second. Let’s talk about about safe-sex and avoiding STDs. Now, last time I checked, there are two ways to keep yaself free of STD: 

  1. Strap a condom on.
  2. Don’t get have sex. 

Here’s the thing, the NFL is already using the most efficient condoms possible (helmets and pads). The only thing left for them to do in order to keep dem STDs (serious injuries) away, is MAKE LESS FOOTBALL.

Safe Sex Cartoon

You heard it right folks (read it right?). The NFL’s slow and steady solution for player safety, is less football.

Holla Atcha Boy.

Safe Sex Poster


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