Epic Live Journal: 2016 Grammy’s Awards
Disclaimer: Fuck you if you don’t think Live Journal’s have a place in society. Yeah, Twitter is cool, but we have to keep some parts of the blogosphere sacred.
8:03pm – Wait, where is Kanye…? I thought he would have stormed the stage by now and stolen the mic from T-Swift.
8:05pm – Anyone notice how much Taylor Swift relies on lip-sync to back her up? Legit only 1 out of every 3 words actually came out of her mouth during that performance. I knew she had a bad reputation for live performances, but that could have been featured on the newest episode of that LIP SYNC BATTLE on Spike.
8:07pm – Jesus Christ, has LL Cool J aged a day over the past 15 years!? The guy is a genetic specimen. If I had a wife, and was a middle-aged white blogger, I would say that my wife totally wants to fuck him.
8:08pm – LL Cool J definitely keeps his skin looking this smooth by treating it with some good ole’ fashion semen. Look it up… it’s a thing.
8:11pm – The Grammy’s basically just said “wow, we fucked up so badly in 2014 that we want everyone to know right away that we gave Kendrick the Best Album Award first thing.
8:13pm – Was that Von Miller? I thought his 15-minutes of fame already ended now that Peyton Manning is a certified tee-bagger?
8:14pm – Get these random white people off the stage. They all sound the same. Oh wait, that’s Tony Romo’s ex. She’s pretty fucking hot.
8:15pm – White people sure have mastered the “country vocal harmonies.”
8:18pm – Are we sure Romo made the right decision dumping Carrie Underwood? Damn, Tony was playing that short game with Jessica Simpson and didn’t believe in long-term growth for sure.
8:18pm – Fuck Marry Kill: Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, and Candace Crawford
8:19pm – Romo played it as well as any mere man can, in the moment. I’d swap his “fuck” with his “marry” though and go with Simpson Kill, Crawford Fuck, Underwood Marry… Just sayin’ bruh.
8:23pm – Unlike most people, I think of how dumb people can be when I see Ariana Grande, not how much I want to fuck bitches. See here: http://www.crushable.com/2014/04/15/entertainment/ariana-grande-quotes-weird-dumb/
8:25pm – Considering the Teen Choice Awards is showcasing a song all about using cocaine with a sex partner, the Grammy’s might as well let The Weekend do it too.
8:26pm – Quick transition… I guess the Grammy’s didn’t want The Weekend to sing a full song about using cocaine with a sex partner.
8:28pm – Yep… The Weekend’s hair makes him look like a hipster Sonic The Hedgehog, regardless of how weird our society gets, that’s an achievement.
8:32pm Wow that Wizards of Waverly Place chick ended up being pretty hot. Surprised that somebody like Bieber would have hit that by now…
8:36pm – SEX ALERT RIHANNA + BLONDE CHICK
8:37pm – Oops…..SEX ALERT: NOT RIHANNA + ELLIE GOULDING (I think her name is Andra Day?)
8:39pm – WHATTUP Lieutenant DAN! LOOK, YOU GOT YOUR LEGS BACK!
8:41pm – They all sound the same, who cares (I’m talking about country singers, not Asian people).
8:49pm – John Legend looks like a black Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Just sayin’.
8:52pm – Damn, I had no idea we were gonna get some Tyrese tonight. Are we going to get a hologram of Paul Walker doing the moonwalk too?
8:53pm – WOW, didn’t realize we would have 2 of the dumbest artists on stage all within the first hour of the show, Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande. Apparently, Demi loves mugs.
8:57pm – Speaking of Tyrese, I can really go for some hibachi (he apparently has a personal hibachi table in his basement).
9:02pm – Seacrest is an Honorary Board Member of the Grammy’s? Damn, this guy is a total social-ladder-climber. Dude was a total scrub 15 years ago. And in 15 years, he’s going to be the main character of the next “Billions” show.
9:03pm – Little Big Town: sounds like a cheesy 1980’s movie starring Steve Martin and John Candy…
9:06pm – Little Big Town keeps saying the line “Taste your lips”… is this song about eating pussy or something?
9:07pm – Is that Scott Disik all the way to the right of Stevie Wonder?
9:08pm – Guarantee Taylor Swift can’t name a single “Earth Wind and Fire” song. So quit clapping your fucking hands over your head you toolbag.
9:09pm – Yo if Stevie Wonder wasn’t blind, everyone in the blogosphere would be killing him about his hairline and inability to let go of the past (pony tail).
9:12pm – Taylor Swift going full Kanye jumping up and down like a sociopathic 6-year old on Christmas morning as she steals Ed Sheerans moment for herself.
9:13pm – Tears…. Eagles tribute.
9:15pm – RIP GLENN FREY, YOU EGOTISTICAL SON OF A BITCH
9:15pm – I REALLY HOPE THEY PLAY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS NEXT
9:16pm – Who am I kidding, it’s the fucking Eagles. They ain’t getting more than 4 minutes on stage
9:17pm – Kinda weird they didn’t go with a don Henley led vocal song. I guess they wanted to pay tribute to a Frey-led song.
9:24pm – Wait, the Grammy’s are actually going to honor Irving Azoff, who is nothing more than a leeching agent that was at the right place at the right time? GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!
9:26pm – More like Whore-y Kelly and James Bae, no?
9:32pm – Hamilton is pretty “hip” and “fresh”, huh?
9:36pm – LL has made it pretty clear at this point that Kendrick’s performance is gonna be “strong, “impactful”, “important, “big”….. FYI.
9:38pm – *Commercial Break*: I dig that they are advertising Colonial Williamsburg along with Busch Gardens. My trip there with my grandparents at age 9 was one of the best trips of my life.
9:45pm – 3 full songs for Kendrick. That performance was a 10 out of 10, folks. Holy shit. Speechless.
9:47pm – Camera angles and cuts during that Kendrick performance were dope. Made a stand-still angle look like a music video. Revolutionary.
9:50pm – Is this Gwen Stefani shit part of The Grammy’s or just some bullshit advertisement from corporate America?
9:51pm – I guess it can be both? Wow, 2016… what I time to be alive.
9:52pm – #MoreMusic ….?
9:55pm – I just zoned out. Was talking to a homie. What happened?
9:55pm – Oh nice, more famous/talented/important black people on the stage. I’m down.
9:56pm – Remember when people gave a shit about “Best Rock Performance”… actually I don’t. That’s how long Hip-Hop has been dominating. Pop off baby boomers.
9:58pm – Who the fuck are these guys? Alabama Shakes? More like Yanni’s Greatest Hits. #AlabamaShakes
9:59pm – Do these #AlabamaShakes people even like each other? Literally no eye contact, let alone body contact. Weird victory celebration.
10:02pm – Adele bringin’ dem pipes forreal tonight, son.
10:02pm Adele be like: fuck this musical arts / dancing shit that has consumed live performances. I’m finna stand still and hitchu with that musical heat. Love it.
10:05pm – Yo! Guarantee a shitload of adolescent British singers are straight up chain smoking right now trying to emulate Adele and that sound. Big Win for Big Tobacco. Season 2 version of Don Draper would totally be pumped about the implications for Lucky Strike Cigarettes.
10:11pm – Remember folks, Justin Bieber is not just a ridiculously talented musical artist. He also has a massive penis. “THE MORE YOU KNOW”.
10:13pm – Biebz totes swimming that giant “eggplant emoji” all over the Grammy stage right now. Love it. Make me a Belieber, Justin.
10:15pm – Hanes is totes going to sell way more black wife-beaters after this sexy-ass Biebz performance. No, I’m not talking about African American men that beat their wives. I am referring to the article of clothing, you PC fuckfaces.
10:16pm – Yes, I am going to keep using the word “totes” when referring to Biebs.
10:18pm – Yo, someone gotta get Sam Smith back on his feeding tube. YEESH.
10:20pm – This Meaghan Trainor song they are playing is such a copy/plagarism of Dion and The Belmonts “Runaround Sue”.
10:20pm – Yo this is the “All About That Bass” bitch, huh??? Fuck that chick. She stole the entire chord progressions, vocal harmonies, and musical cadences of the “Runaround Sue”
10:22pm – The haters totes don’t even get it…. (Yes, I am about to talk about Bieber)…. J-Biebz can totes pull off any facial hair he wants. It doesn’t matter if it looks like a pre-pubescent happy trail. It’s life. #SEXGOD
10:25pm – BOWIE TIMEEEE
10:25pm – Just gotta get over the fact that it’s GAGA and not Bowie performing and you’ll enjoy it.
10:27pm – Gaga’s basically doing as good a job as most could at emulating and paying respect to Bowie.
10:28pm – They just incorporated like 3 different Bowie songs into the tribute within a 5-second span. Impressive, young Skywalker.
10:29pm – Like clockwork, you knew “Fame” was going to follow “Fashion” based on the way the performance was going.
10:30pm – Was there any question that “Heroes” would be the Bowie finale?
10:32pm – *Commercial Break*: Gaga starring in the first of many commercial’s using Bowie’s “Heroes”….. for an Intel commercial. #Fail
10:33pm – Folks, get ready to see way more company’s taking out multi-minute television ads thinking they’re successful marketing campaigns because they get social media hits, but in reality the viewer only cares about the performance itself and not the product. Will be funny to see people waste money and pat themselves on the back.
10:40pm – Chris Stapleton is pretty dope.
10:40pm – I don’t know who this black guy is, but he’s not only an amazing vocalist, but he’s totally crushing the Django Unchained look with that porkpie hat. #Jelly
10:42pm – Not many middle-aged women can pull off that grey streak of hair through their head these days. Count Bonnie Raiit as one of those women.
10:48pm – *Commercial Break* That weird reto/futurish Calvin Klein commercial was dope. Not sure what happened right there… but I like it. (I think I saw a hand go down someone’s pants?)
10:51pm – I dig these #AlabamaShakes folks. This lead singer is totally killing the hipster/skater/gospel chick look right now. Power to the people!
10:54pm – Isn’t Dave Grohl supposed to have a broken foot or some shit like that? He’s so not rock and roll, man. UGH.
10:55pm – Yeah, I’m sure Lemmy and Motorhead DID leave their mark on you, GROHL!
10:55pm – I’m just messing around. I love David Grohl. From Nirvana to Foo Fighters.
10:55pm – I actually drove by David Grohl’s house in Seattle that he lived in while recording with Nirvana. Pretty cool moment.
10:56pm – Welcome, society, to The Hollywood Vampires.
10:56pm – Alice Cooper totally looks healthy right now….
10:57pm – Forget about the amount of drugs taken over their lifetimes… how many drugs were consumed just tonight by the main band members of The Hollywood Vampires?
10:58pm – Johnny Depp is the fucking man. Fuck off if you are jelly.
10:59pm – To repeat: Johnny Depp is the fucking man. Depp fucking convinced Amber Heard to decide she was heterosexual and not homosexual.
11:02pm – *Commercial Break* I Pity the Millennial fools that’ll gullibly fall for the Rocket Mortgage trap and not realize it’s just a crappy rebranded version of Quicken Loans.
11:02pm – Actually, I don’t. Read before signing up for online loans, people.
11:03pm – *Commercial Break* Watching this shitty Mohegan Sun commercial… remember when everyone and their mother, didn’t use the word “epic” to describe everything and their mother? (Yes, I am going to title this Live Journal as “Epic”… so fuck you).
11:06pm – Fuck this pompous Grammy leeching fuckface. I’ve been watching his bullshit statements for a decade and a half. He can blow me and pop off. “We Don’t Believe You, You Need More People”.
11:07pm – Joey Alexander is this generation’s Yo-Yo Ma, huh?
11:09pm – Did this fuckface actually put his childhood picture on the main screen and tell us all that you play the guitar? FUCK YOU!!!! (So glad I don’t actually know his name).
11:10pm – Now this corporate, megarich toolbag just used Joey Alexander, the little Asian pianist, to guilt us into paying more money to artists. Blow me.
11:12pm – Wow the “Down in the Boondocks”, “It’s My Party and I Cry If I Want To”, and “If A Man Loves A Woman” people all died this year. Fuck that hurts my literal and figurative “soul”.
11:16pm – I love that McConaughey takes his dogs out for tacos, sushi, and Thai food, in his Lincoln, nonetheless. I think this is the “Hero” that David Bowie was signing about all those years ago.
11:18pm – “The Nanny Attraction: Next on CBS News”… talk about 21st century TV Click-Bait
11:19pm – Is that Booker T out on the Stage right now?
11:19pm – Just kidding, Earth Wind and Fire and Maurice White are legends.
11:21pm – Taylor Swift sucks balls
11:21pm – Taylor Swift is so fucking fake. She was “more excited” for Ed Sheeran than she is for herself right now.
11:22pm – Kanye must be freaking out. It’s an American tragedy he hasn’t won Best Album compared to Taylor already having 2
11:25pm – What’s worse: Macklemore beating Kendrick for Best Rap Album in 2014 or Taylor Swift beating Kendrick for Best Album in 2016?
11:25pm – Is Taylor Swift actually the first woman to win 2 Best Album Grammy’s? I’m too tired and give too-few fucks about Taylor Swift to fact check her.
11:26pm – Glad Uptown Funk won. It really was the Best Record.
11:27pm – Pitbull and Robin Thicke taking the stage….. Time to call it a night. Goodnight folks. Or, as Pitbull would say, Dale.